Talking Pony

Advice From a Disgruntled Unicorn

2012-02-06T15:09:00.000-08:00

Bathe.

Polish your horn once in awhile.

You're not special just because you know what a picaresque novel is.

I am not a photo opportunity. I don't even like taking pictures with my family. My head always comes out too big.

New Headshots by David Muller

2012-01-21T14:43:00.000-08:00

Fresh for 2012, here are two of the faces I now use to greet the world, thanks to the talented photographer David Muller.

Here Sign Up Inside

2012-01-03T20:51:00.000-08:00

It's 2012!

There are great things I'm looking forward to this year, including a record-breaking pilot season ahead with over 200 already purchased to be made (I shudder to think of a recent year where there were only about 22 in which one could be cast), the results of the new headshots I had taken at the end of last month, and of course, whatever new seaweed-based snack Trader Joe's manages to invent.

My attitude for this year is indeed about putting your name on the dotted line within. In other words, enough with the second-guessing and the trying to be what you think they'll want, in all categories. Tune in to what you know as your truth. Out with old and in with the bold. Here, sign up inside!

Silent Parrot

2011-12-17T15:29:00.000-08:00

Three days before my birthday, an anonymous package at my doorstep holds imported brown sugar cubes. In fact, the exact brown sugar cubes I love. From who, and with what meaning? I need a trick to get Polly to talk, or at least find the pirate she comes from. For now: sweet coffee.

Snoopyclaus

2011-12-14T17:17:00.001-08:00

And the award for the only commercial aspect of Christmas I can tolerate goes to...Snoopyclaus.

Mah na ma na.

2011-12-13T16:52:00.001-08:00

Even this bus stop bench can't fight the feeling! Would it be so wrong if I went to see "The Muppets" for the third time? (Am I a muppet or a (wo)man?)

More Hollywood Math

2011-12-12T20:04:00.001-08:00

Actress A hired to double for the legs of actress B hired to enact the real-life story of actress C. Three women: and the fake doctor's office and gynecology stirrups that unite them all. Stranger than fiction, say the legs.

Talking Pony Does Not Talk on Pony

2011-12-11T19:47:00.000-08:00

Facial Hair for Literacy

2011-12-10T13:31:00.000-08:00

Behold, as the Silverlake branch of the Los Angeles library resorts to mustaches in order to increase engagement with reading material!

Slightly Imperfect

2011-11-22T19:55:00.000-08:00

As of 9 AM on Monday, I wrapped on a short film called "Slightly Imperfect," in which I played a character described as a cross between a Riot Grrrl and Carl Sagan (by way of Pauley Perrette). The concept of "dream girl" does not usually conjure up a record store employee with astrophysicist-level smarts and dark fuschia streaks in her hair...but why not? Souvenirs from set: Halloween cat underpants, a set of spidery eyelashes, the knowledge that slightly imperfect scheduling--a nonstop night shoot--cannot take me down.

Wedge Bucket

2011-11-20T12:53:00.000-08:00

A place for everything and everything in its place. Hence, on a Warner Brothers sound stage, this bucket for wooden wedges. The Burbank beaver community couldn't be happier; Los Angeles river be dammed! (Wocka, wocka.)

Adage of Cabbage

2011-11-15T19:25:00.000-08:00

Looking like some Teenwolf heirloom variety, these brussel sprouts from Whole Foods begged to be taken home. Expressive, wild, surely with a kick to the palate: they lured me in with what appeared to be the Brassica family equivalent of my true desires. Enough with being put in a box, bound down in leafy regularity: attempts to fit in be damned! I yam what I yam, says Popeye, or in this case, Come sprout, come sprout, whatever you are!

Hollywood Parking Math

2011-11-03T18:36:00.000-07:00

1 Master acting class + 1 plate of breakfast potatoes = 1 Hollywood tow experience = 1 taxi ride + 1 really good friend giving a lift + towing fee + parking ticket = $592.90. I hope that comes with a studio apartment.

The Meaning of 11/1/11

2011-11-01T16:44:00.001-07:00

Ooh, it's so mysterious! Perhaps it means there are five fingers on the piano keys of time. Hopefully accompanied by a singer with perfect pitch.

My Seven Little Words

2011-10-25T18:22:00.000-07:00

Dancing, rabbits, sailors, skies, fanciness? Wordsmithery aside, I call espionage on the company that made this game I downloaded. Or, at the end of the day, I point the finger both ways, sigh, and call one night at the Echoplex away from total hipsterdom. (And, thanks to the mention of goblets, the slightest hint of Renaissance Fair.)

Nut Milk Band

2011-10-17T16:06:00.000-07:00

Amazon keeps plying me with this sunny image I keep confusing for a new band's album cover. Nut Milk Band! Give us a listen! Meanwhile, the nutmilk bag I purchased ages ago is still doing the work it was made to do. There's something to be said for golden oldies.

You Are Already Naked. There is No Reason Not To Follow Your Heart.

2011-10-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

Finally, some street cred for calligraphy! Bless you, Steve Jobs.

Clown Ballet

2011-10-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today, this funny lady took one of LA's newly forged ballet-meets-Pilates-yoga-and-weights classes. What's the difference between me and the disturbing clown sculpture protruding from that CVS pharmacy in Santa Monica? At least I was done working out at the end of an hour...and then got to take my white gloves and top hat off.

Books and Cookies

2011-09-30T15:50:00.000-07:00

This Santa Monica storefront's name is quite a promise. In short, everything you could possibly want under one roof. Plus a plush speaking version of that pigeon you're not supposed to let drive the bus (I prefer to imagine his voice in my head).

A Lot of Lions

2011-09-29T10:58:00.000-07:00

Actual Advertisement Used to Entice Theatergoers

2011-09-27T15:21:00.000-07:00

All the world's a stage...or at least it is on this poster.

Love's Gas

2011-09-26T14:48:00.001-07:00

Love's gas: not to be confused with hate's electricity, or indifference's two sticks rubbed together to make a fire when camping in the woods.

Waste Please

2011-09-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

The garbage receptacles on the Disney lot impel passersby to use them for their trash, but the statement also could be read as a command to create more trash. As in, "Please, in our 1930s font, make haste to make waste!" Maybe to keep Mickey Mouse, in his guise as the sorcerer's apprentice, occupied. Cue broom.

Ocular Recognition vs. Linguistic Cue

2011-09-22T09:58:00.001-07:00

Do I really have to count? Ugghh, math. One, two, ohhh...FIVE pens. Well, that saved me a load of trouble.

Still Life with Old Lady Items

2011-09-21T13:58:00.000-07:00

Because that's how I roll.

Happy September 19th

2011-09-19T08:10:00.000-07:00

With much love and joy: past, present, and future.

(Also, ideally a living room with a 1950s-style mural like this one. There's a Monday wish for you: "I want a lake!")

I Wish My Ferrets Were That Nice To Me

2011-09-15T15:26:00.000-07:00

Yet another opportunity to enjoy mockumentary "April," this time through online film festival OneCloudFest.

Pleasant Relief

2011-09-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

A recent excavation trip in a friend's family garage uncovered this vintage bottle of "Pleasant Relief," a medicine designed to casually lighten the internal mood with its fictional pinkhood and gracious font. Here's to the manufacturer composing a version for the twenty-first century, in which the malaise brought on by the altered tempo of lifestyle is easily washed away with one spoonful, or perhaps two. I call it "Lovely Reintegration," or "Enough with the Facebook."

Paid Kiss

2011-09-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week I worked on location in a Hollywood hot spot. I spent the morning hanging around Eva Longoria's Beso, soaked with beer and liquor from every night it'd seen before, and full of flashy but mop-able surfaces. How else can you explain dark red snakeprint couch cushions, seemingly leather from far away but as safe from stains as a kindergartner's plastic seat? In the light of day the clear vat of vodka and pineapple, the splashes of light fixtures, the dark floors all seemed like a cheap setup for getting laid; more viable as a television set than a real-life activity: and there I was in the middle of it. Proving my point that in order to get me to go to a nightclub, you have to pay me.

Mermaid vs. Dog Voice

2011-09-08T13:16:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow I will be in a production office performing all of the female dog voices in "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3" instead of auditioning to be a mermaid in an advertisement to sell pirate alcohol, because they need a stand-in for the dog voices and I am not a "professional mermaid" (actual quote from casting). Am I am a professional female dog? No, I am not a bitch, but I will stand in for several small furry ones tomorrow. That's just the life of an unprofessional mermaid.

Dirt Girls in a Grout...in Italian

2011-09-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

The stateside wait for my Swiffer ad continues, but a friend unearthed this version currently playing in Italy. As my agent pointed out, one commenter wondered "Qual è il senso intrinseco di questo spot??" which translates roughly to wondering what the deeper meaning of it all is. I'm just guessing here, but: how awesome dirt-covered high heels are? How funny it is to personify dirt as a pack of girls-on-the-town? That you should clean stuff with a great product such as this one?

God In Our Own Image

2011-09-05T13:29:00.000-07:00

They say man is made in God's image, but the modeling works both ways. Donut shop? Donut God.

Take My Hand, I'm A Stranger in Parad-Ice

2011-08-31T10:46:00.000-07:00

Western set, circa the early 1800s, filmed on a ranch in 99 degree weather: I'm garbed in layers of skirts and blouses, saddled with boots, basket, and hat. To my rescue: the set medic. His equipment: a latex glove filled with ice. Take my hand...

For the Foreground

2011-08-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

Just think how lovely it will be when I spend more time working as a principal actor than my side hustle in the background. As in this episode of "Friends With Benefits," rather than being an ogling bystander ("Stop laughing at me," Ryan Hansen pleaded with me), I too could be a naked man hailing a taxi.

Happy Anniversary, Los Angeles!

2011-08-13T21:50:00.000-07:00

Today marks four years since I moved to Los Angeles. Here's to hoping this year, as my Hollywood life heads towards kindergarten, that I land a glorious alphabet of great roles. (And that nap time ends soon, so I can go run around the yard and play.)

Wheat Do You Want From Me?

2011-08-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

Through all portals of the internet, I am being stalked by a Spanish-speaking piece of frosted wheat. He enjoys doing a balancing act with a pencil and furrowing his brows for emphasis. Not merely a static picture, he moves through his frame, enticing me with his breakfast concept...himself. I close the browser and sneak off to have a banana, which has neither face nor foreign tongue, proposition, or circus act.

Fuzzy Face

2011-08-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

In case you ever get tired of growing your own, the machine at my laundromat will provide. Note: extreme chin cleft may or may not be included. Fuzzy eyebrows sold separately. Machine wash warm, dry flat.

Found My Wolf

2011-08-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

Thanks to this graffiti in Echo Park, I now know where wolves hide. It turns out: under mattresses. Princess and a little more than just a pea.

Chipmunk Watching

2011-08-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

Faith in gods or angels leaves us wondering how we can be sure they're watching over us. As for faith in science, where's the face that watches? Faith in the chipmunk lurking in a casting studio window? I trust he will keep an eye on that parking meter for me.

Things I Wear to an Audition Where I Am Supposed To Look Like I’m Lounging At Home That I Would Never Wear Lounging At Home

2011-08-02T07:25:00.000-07:00

A push-up bra
Mascara
Hairspray
Sunscreen
Shoes
Clothes

Too Many Marshmallows

2011-07-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

My besty recently received the equivalent of an F+ (failed, but with a gold star?) in her graduate art course. The instructor cited that a primary reason was her excessive use of marshmallows in her work. My guess is that he's like a witch that would melt when wet, but only with hot chocolate.

Casting by Keratin

2011-07-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it seems so important to have just the right hair for auditions that perhaps one's hair should have its own headshot. Check out the growth from these fine dermal follicles! Peep my keratin bundles! The natural tendency when parsing a photograph, however, is to find a visual entry point: in essence, to find eyes to look into. That is why a gluestick and googlies are a helpful add-on to such an 8x10. Way to stand out in a pack.

Nerd Prank

2011-07-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

Boy, I sure showed my coworker when I got out the label maker and attached alternate endings to the word "trans" emblazoned on her backpack! How transgressive of me. Snigger, snigger!

Koan for Businessmen

2011-07-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

Don't get so distracted by noticing a gorilla playing basketball that you do not see a gorilla ambling across a canvas-covered chair. Who moved your cheese? How do you artfully go to war? How did that gorilla turn green? Meditate, then consult NASDAQ.

Wooly Pockets

2011-07-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

Everywhere I went in San Francisco this weekend, there were plants growing out of wooly pockets. Plants hanging in stores, plants on walls, plants hung in the air. Encased in fall clothes on the summer day, I pondered whether I too was staying sufficiently hydrated, and whether any uprooting to go back to Los Angeles would merely be a matter of undoing a simple grommet from a nail.

No Pink Berry Parking

2011-07-18T15:04:00.001-07:00

This parking lot sign, halfway between Trader Joe's and Pinkberry, has a bit of a speech impediment. No Pink. Berry Parking. The color pink not welcome, only berries allowed to park. The color pink cannot park here. If you are the musical artist named Pink, you must go to a different grocery store. If you are a solo berry, you may pull your car into this space. Note that this sign is only over one spot, so all fuschias and large fruit may abandon their vehicles all around. But like a tooth with a smile full of teeth, what could a cherry possibly purchase in a produce section?

Deschanel Doppelganger Moment

2011-07-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

Look, it's me and the rest of the cast of my new sitcom on FOX!

Just kidding. I passed on that dress at Anthropologie in favor of something at Kate Spade. But can you really be sure those aren't my jazz hands?

Callback of Snowflakes

2011-07-05T16:57:00.000-07:00

When we think of competition, usually it's 94% vs. 95%, close vs. closer, strong vs. stronger. Often we judge by putting two or more highly similar possibilities side by side, to see which choice has the edge. At today's callback, each of the men and each of the women were so distinct that we could have been going in for entirely different parts. Rather than select on a "better than" basis, the director and clients are now able to choose boldly; one pick not superior to another on any superficial standard, but rather on the basis of something more subjective, soulful. The kind of casting from the heart, the kind that counts.

Important Notes For Sunday's Hollywood Networking Event

2011-07-01T16:03:00.000-07:00

Congratulations! This card printed on a printer that came free with our office computer was made just for you! We want to maximize use of our color ink cartridge so whenever possible, we used a rainbow color scheme! See this 3/4 inch by 1 inch photo? It was taken at an event we held three years ago and from the backs of people and the slightest indication they are standing near a pool, you can tell it was a success!

We need to know right away if you want to be a star, as demonstrated by your presence at our Hollywood networking event. Important people have already sent in their RSVPs, which is to say that if you do not come you will probably miss the chance of a lifetime to stand with them near a pool and try to become famous. Plus there will be soft drinks!

The dress code is conservative Polynesian attire. No exceptions. It is very important that you mingle luau-style, and climb the ladder/break the glass ceiling/get your big break while looking like you could hula-hoop or play the ukulele. There is no charge to attend, but you are expected to give us all your extra money.

You are cordially invited. To attend! This! Special! Event! Designed exclusively for you. Because we are under the impression that "exclusive" can include everyone on our mailing list, and that you will drop everything to wear an oversized shirt with palm trees on it in order to meet your destiny of getting hit on by an out-of-work producer.

Yes

2011-06-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

What if everything you most want is on offer to you...right now?

What if you're the one delaying your own good, by refusing to take the risk to claim what's yours?

What if the fear you feel is only a mirage, and under its ghostly form is the ability to experience total and complete happiness?

(Including some really good juice.)

Venice, Vidi, Vici

2011-06-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

In lieu of an Italian vacation, I spent yesterday in Venice. Substitute a forty-five minute drive for an eleven hour flight. Substitute grains of sand on the beach for legions of pigeons. Substitute a parade of teen skateboarders for slick commuters on Vespas. Substitute eating salad with yuzu-carrot-ginger dressing and iced green tea next to a surf shop for pasta marinara and wine at a trattoria in a piazza. Substitute a fantastic friend walking about with me for my true love beside me. Substitute all this with all intention for that, too.

Reasons You Cannot Wear That to Work, As Explained by an Logician

2011-06-23T22:58:00.000-07:00

You now have before you the new dress code policy for your workplace. Perhaps management did not fully go over the reasons behind these choices for the staff. I, a highly skilled analyst, will now explain to you why.

* Attire that reveals a midriff. This is clearly because women's belly buttons are where the man sticks his, you know. (Have I ever...? I have spent the last seventeen years at MIT. What do you think?) Not to mention the belly button is where the baby used to be attached to the mother, so it's like being reminded of your pretty coworker hanging out with another woman, when she was young and naked all the time.

* Skirts that are shorter than three inches above the knee when in a standing position. Measurements are taken this way to respect the disabilities of our staff that cannot sit or lie down. Why the knee? It's where the leg stops being the calf, and becomes sexy. Three inches above the knee puts us at approximately seventeen inches away from the belly button.

* Attire that is designated as sleepwear, underwear, or swimwear. This is so that clients and coworkers alike will not get confused, thinking you are about to take a nap, get undressed, or do the breaststroke. In fact, although their perceptual apparatuses may provide them with data points suggesting you are not participating in these activities, you may in fact already be doing these things. Management does not have time to tell you to wake up or stay out of the deep end.

* Attire that has offensive and/or derogatory terminology or graphics. With the use of and/or, you can no longer get away with something offensive but not derogatory, or derogatory but not offensive. For instance, whereas you once could wear a t-shirt worshipping Satan (offensive, but not derogatory, since Satan seems to have an open-door policy), or a t-shirt proclaiming your hatred of marshmallows (derogatory, but not particularly offensive since marshmallows are not actually that delicious), you cannot don slurs to any gender, national, or ethnic group. Note that non-offensive and non-derogatory graphics and terminology are not mentioned, ergo you are free to wear a dress printed with cheerful dancing unicorns playing in vats of butter.

* Heels should be no higher than three and a half inches. This is because anyone who wears four inch heels will be able to reach stuff on the top shelves better. What did we buy a ladder for, then? We spent our hard-earned money on that ladder. Wear flats.

* Any attire that is provocative, inappropriately revealing, or see-through. Look: if you're going to choose an outfit with mysteriously good French seams that allows us to witness your clavicle through a peep-hole in the garment, just go work somewhere else. It is not worth the damage that will be done by our staff falling over in shock at the sight of you, disturbed that underneath those clothes you are naked and over that nakedness are those...those clothes.

Mature Alternatives to Wearing a Self-Esteem T-Shirt

2011-06-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of the Roaring 20s, step out in a hat worn at a rakish angle, paired with spats and a shiny cane.

Dress up as God’s creation, which you so ever much are, as demonstrated by wearing lilies of the valley pinned to every surface of your white pantsuit.

Have self-esteem.

Things I Have Imagined About My Friend Tim

2011-06-20T18:44:00.000-07:00

That he will, along with our friend Hart, be one of my bridesmaids when I get married. Even if that means he wears his Teddy Ruxpin post-doctoral interviewing outfit.

That he will successfully mount the play he wrote involving a character named Audrey, based on me, based on my love of pink and a certain expletive, and that I will in fact have my Broadway debut as a version of myself, which is to say that casting will not prefer Alison Pill.

That he will 1) Purchase an ostrich egg at Whole Foods for $40; 2) Locate an ostrich; 3) Have the ostrich sit on, and then hatch, the egg; 4) Sew tweed suits for the two ostriches; 5) Dress the ostriches, then himself, and go out on the town as a trio of gentlemen.

Acquire a needlefelt brain.

Half-Birthday

2011-06-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

Today is my half-birthday! Although it is very June gloomy outside, that cannot stop me from any of the possible half-birthday celebration techniques available. Keep this list handy for when yours rolls around:

* Purchase a half cake. Make sure it is awkwardly cut straight down the middle, and then insist that the bakery save the other half for when it is your real birthday.

* Take an inventory of the last six months of your life while wearing a tiara and a t-shirt that reads, ever so articulately, "ME."

* Take back the reign of Lewis Carroll's "unbirthday" concept by graffiti-ing ALICE HAD IT ALL WRONG on a wall somewhere. Get caught and resist arrest so you have a charming story about jail to tell on your actual birthday.

Photograph by Leslie Weinberg.

Highly Effective Uses for Today's Lunar Eclipse

2011-06-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

Today there is a lunar eclipse along with the full moon in Sagittarius. What does one do with such a momentous event? Here are some productive ways to maximize the astrological current you're swimming in.

* Draw up a garbage bag and fill that Hefty with all the stuff you no longer want. Items could include unkind coworkers, outdated ideas of looking at yourself, and that old bartending kit that made one round of margaritas and then called it a day.

* Enact the cosmological event in order to feel more close to it. Dress up like a half-man, half-horse, and show off your rear until your Golden Retriever walks by. Act pleased when you notice the humans on Earth read the astrology advice columns and stopped doing unproductive things in response.

* Write the moon a heartfelt letter, explaining that you know it's still there.

Small Dog Presented as Large Dog

2011-06-14T21:47:00.000-07:00

Mural glorifies, distorts an animal that could fit in a purse. I may have to sew a giant handbag around this Silverlake block just to regain perspective.

It's either that or fly myself out in a helicopter far enough away to rectify scale.

Recycling Bin Treasures: Botox And

2011-06-08T15:21:00.000-07:00

At work I found this lavender slip of paper in the recycling bin, in all its reassuring tone of voice. What, I wonder, was the other product? Here are some possibilities:

A) Botox and a mirror with frown lines drawn in. Inject enough Botox until the frown lines disappear from both your face and the drawing of your face on the mirror.

B) Botox and a puppy. If you smile too much at the puppy, you might get your frown lines back. If you inject too much Botox, the puppy might not know you are smiling at him.

C) Botox and a rubber Gertrude Stein mask. Are you more yourself when you wear one or the other?

D) Botox and a syringe of maple syrup, which you can put in your coffee instead of sugar. Since when are they bottling maple syrup in syringes? Is it more helpful when removing the sap from the tree?

E) Botox and a baby bag filled with diapers, pacifiers, rattles, and a blankey. Figure out what to use to retain your youthfulness.

F) Botox and a book. Decide whether you want to think about your face, or think with what's inside your face.

Gas Matters

2011-06-07T12:04:00.000-07:00

There is no clearer sign that our current social media platforms have hit rock bottom than that I got a request in the mail to "like" the company that supplies my apartment with gas. While I appreciate Sempra Energy, do I really want to be friends with them on Facebook? Or say that I "like" gas? This is the point in the intervention where all the businesses now crowding what was once a place to connect with your dormmates need to be sat down and ever so gently but firmly have the cursor pad taken away from them.

Equally Valid Optimism Via Fruit

2011-05-27T09:34:00.000-07:00

Cherries notwithstanding, life is just a plate of grapeys!

Talk Isn't Cheap

2011-05-26T23:15:00.000-07:00

These days, it's common to get away with substituting conversation with texting, which is another way of saying that full language can be swapped out for brief symbols. Why negotiate the complexity of human relationships when you can send a smoke signal instead? Forget spelling, respect, and talking out loud. LOL! LMAO! OMFG! Maybe "I'll talk to you" is the new "I love you." Or maybe instead of roping steer and gunning down the bad guys, alpha males can show their prowess through a face-to-face conversation. "What's on your mind?" the virile will say. "Let's talk about it." Girls and boys, take the dictionary off the shelf and use it.

No Nude Mimes

2011-05-19T22:44:00.001-07:00

Imagine that you are a mime. You have just found a casting notice for a role you can do! Alas, if you are female and acting on camera, you must have to take off your underpants. What's this? A part that lets you tell a story without words or sound while keeping your black unitard on? Ladies of the panto, rejoice. This director must truly be a visionary, to imagine you pulling an invisible rope and dressed at exactly the same time.

"April" Abroad

2011-05-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

"April", that winsome mockumentary that I am so happy to be a part of, is now showing online with the UK-based Itzon.TV Film Festival. It's free to watch, and offers a full screen, high definition viewing experience. The finalists in the festival are decided by audience votes. Please create a free profile, watch the film, and vote for us! You can watch at the following scheduled times (Wednesday 5/18/11: 5:28PM, Thursday 5/19/11: 7:41PM, Friday 5/20/11: 6:31AM, Saturday 5/21/11: 12:45PM, Sunday 5/22/11: 4:29AM, Monday 5/23/11: 9:56AM, Tuesday 5/24/11: 7:18AM) or use their on-demand function. Times are either adjusted for various zones as indicated, or someone's a jokester over at Itzon. Check it out!

Phrase of Our Lives

2011-05-14T16:57:00.001-07:00

"No way!" I thought in response to Amazon's downstream suggestion. Purchase my books (and favorite French anise-flavored candy) and allow access to my credit card information through the phrase "Audrey's Undisturbed Tensions"? Hopefully between the quality literature and the sweets my tensions would be entirely disturbed; rendered impotent and vanquished entirely. Too astute for its own good, Amazon's rejoinder was the suggestion of another phrase: how about "Audrey's Unbroken Candor"? Yes, Amazon, let's keep it real.

Snack Glove

2011-05-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

If you are a doctor who might get hungry later, feel free to make a snack glove. Nothing for you but the most hygienic to finger those pecan bars.

Man Fall In Love

2011-05-07T23:01:00.000-07:00

Some women keep reading material such as How To Make A Man Fall In Love With You ironically, like how they don't actually make waffles with their iron; but such books are funnier and do not require maple syrup, even hypothetically.

If you are enamored of someone who looks like a relative of Pac-man, this tome is for you! Perhaps, according to the author, your boyfriend is always listening, which he does by rotating his eyes back and forth:

In that case, perhaps you do not know if he is in love. Because this is what he looks like if he is:

You'll know a man loves you when he wears the pancakes you made on his eyes. That would be a good time to sketch him and turn those drawings into a video game. But hopefully with more smiling.

Toothy Grin

2011-04-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

We all accept that dentists have the prerogative to advertise their services through use of a tooth logo. We acknowledge that in order to appear friendly and not too Little Shop of Horrors-y, they may choose to give that tooth a smile, thus rendering it less a glyph and more of a mascot.But what happens when that smile is so full, so radiant, as to reveal teeth? Where does something that started out as a welcoming gesture turn into a carnivalesque need for orthodonture? "Don't worry," says the winsome call of such a molar, "I can handle any meal all on my own."

Bake It Frost It Picture Take It

2011-02-28T20:25:00.000-08:00

"Say cupcakes!" my lovely and talented photographer Erin Gibson urged, as we worked the big cartoon eyes and wavy (read: comedy) hair. Sitting in a West Hollywood garage in a tank top, you think to yourself, This is February, and maybe these photographs will launch my career, but right now—"CUPCAKES!"

Sleepless in Silverlake

2011-02-25T21:02:00.000-08:00

It's been a good long while since I went nearly sleepless, but last night there was no rest for the wounded. In dreams we get some murky license for whimsy and experimentation, but in waking life it's all reality, reality, reality. Without the respite of my Zzzzs, I had to rely entirely on what was visible to my eyes but nonetheless seemed like apparitions:

*My cell phone displaying a photograph from the first of the year. In it, I simultaneously look deeply unglamorous and incredibly happy, proving there is an inverse relationship between makeup and joy.

*An episode of "Weeds" playing on my laptop, in which I ride a bicycle and the pink blotch of t-shirt with me in it keeps wending its way through various scenes. No one would know it's me; I am secretly haunting another narrative world.

*Vegan mochi ball ice cream. All those years of wishing they would make a non-dairy alternative produced the desired outcome, there in my hand. Don't pinch or dream me, I'm awake.

Infant Formula

2011-02-19T22:02:00.000-08:00

What better vending machine to have in the lobby of a casting center that includes a modeling agency than one with a baby wearing lipstick and drinking its body weight in Coke?

An Illicit Word from Noodles

2011-02-13T21:16:00.000-08:00

In my spam folder: an email from Official Pasta Boat, regarding TV Pasta Boat. I'm unfamiliar with TV Pasta Boat; is it related to Major Theatrical Release Pasta Boat? What about Unofficial Pasta Boat: when I get mail from that guy, can I take him seriously? "Make dinner fast, quick, and easy"...Pasta Boat, do you have somewhere else to go? I thought we'd spend some quality time together. After all, I'm guessing you are an entire boat full of pasta, and are here because I am hungry. Wait, spam folder...it's time to come clean about what's in your sauce.

Agency My Agency

2011-02-08T16:47:00.000-08:00

Here in Hollywood, when we say "signed across the board," we're not referring to an autograph on a Monopoly set, but rather an agency representing an actor both theatrically (film and television) and commercially. I scribbled on one such plank, so to speak, today.

I'm thrilled to be working with RPM Talent Agency, which has recently merged with The Agency, which has recently merged with my resume, which has recently passed "Go" and collected $200*, 10% of which will go to what I can only hope will be called Agency The Agency, so that the next phase of my career is lead by a glorious typo wrapped in an enigma and coated with a delicious chocolately network contract.

We're on the move...

*Monopoly joke, for those foreign children who were busy in the outside-world, rather than chewing on the machinations of tiny plastic dogs and hats.

Socks At Last

2011-02-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

Quiet love stories have clout, too. As I moved my delicates into my new chest of drawers, not one but two pairs of socks were reunited with their mates. Really, these socks were left for dead. "The laundromat clearly ate them," the legend went. But they held out, and timing took the reigns. Cozied up together again, dreaming of hikes and jogs, they're right where they're meant to be.

Google Maps Understands

2011-01-11T19:24:00.001-08:00

In the realm of Los Angeles, for the journey from Los Feliz to Venice, you'll need a passport and a great book-on-tape. Google Maps, in an emotional state tonight, demonstrated that it fully understands. Canada to somewhere in the Pacific? That looks about right.

Dog Cookieface

2011-01-10T10:54:00.000-08:00

"I'll take the shepherd," I said to the barista. The dalmatian, daschund, and terrier simply wouldn't do. Later, I took the dog for a walk; albeit digesting inside of me.

Epiphany, or Twelfth Night

2011-01-06T11:27:00.000-08:00

According to my fabulous 2011 Slingshot organizer, complete with key dates regarding activists, anarchists, worker's rights, and revolutions, today is Epiphany. Ring them bells, Baez! Time to take your Christmas tree down and eat all your collected fruits and nuts. Carnival season begins as you load up like a zealous squirrel, what with your freshly-baked cake containing one bean and one pea. Who will be crowned King and Queen tonight? Only the legumes can say.

Romance of the Postal Service

2011-01-05T09:46:00.000-08:00

Forget the instant data delivery to your handset of the 21st century; how about stores? Talk about instant gratification! There's something to be said for having to wait a little for what you want. I'm for the days of ordering from the dusty brown-paged tome at the town goods outpost. Three months to get that calico and twine in? Fine; save up for some lumps of sugar and a packet of novelty buttons. Watch at the front porch until that postal worker on his horse arrives just past winter. And then, with great aplomb, friend: unwrap.

This, the New Year of 2011, We Acknowledge

2011-01-03T18:15:00.000-08:00

Something happened that caused it to be three days into the new year. I am not yet sure what this new year is made of. Are our hands sticky? It might be paper mache. Does it bake well and go nicely with jams? Perhaps the time-space continuum is really bread. Maybe if we look at what good it's brought so far, as well as what challenges we might anticipate, we can give it a good bath as if to say, You're perfect, and clean to boot.

The World Is Bound By Secret Knots

2010-12-24T21:20:00.000-08:00

You want Mexican? Hey, me too!

M-I-S-S Rescue

2010-12-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

Missouri State Highway Patrol: when you're in trouble, we send two black bears to help you. Do not fear their large galoshes, or their tender embrace.

Gratitude, or Like Stuff Say Thank You

2010-12-19T23:12:00.001-08:00

Oh, sun conjunct sun, otherwise known in layman's terms as birthday, you did not let me down. Grazie, danke, merci, and suchforth. A-lady!

And the Award for the Best Pickup Line of 2010 Goes To...

2010-12-13T18:08:00.000-08:00

Earlier this year I ran a poll on the right-hand sidebar for the best pickup line I was plied with in 2010. As we near the end of December and I have collected a few more contenders, I give you this more comprehensive list from which to choose:

* I'd drive 1100 miles to see you do stand-up.

* Are you old enough to have been on the original "90210"?

* You've got the best towel in the room.

* I guess I'd give you a 9 out of 10.

* I stole your number from work because I'm creepy and you're a cool lady.

and

* If I flew us in my private jet to get stranded on a desert island, I'd definitely barbecue and eat you. But I can't date you because you're a vegan. Even though you're hot.

Turkey Day

2010-11-25T09:50:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving...or "Turkey Day," as it is often called. Calling a day where people slaughter and eat turkeys en masse "Turkey Day" is kind of like calling any occasion of genocide "Human Day." Happy Human Day! Off with their heads! I'm looking forward to the seitan and gravy, green beans, and yams of the all-vegan Madeleine Bistro. Live turkeys will be in attendance, as will my clear conscience. Sorry, brussel sprouts...you're going down.

Reel-y? Really.

2010-11-24T16:25:00.000-08:00

My new theatrical reel is up on audreydundeehannah.com, thanks to the swift and intelligent work of Robert Campbell, editor extraordinaire, and Josh Reisner, genius webmaster. Thanks guys! You're the best.

Great Gatsby: 5 for 5

2010-11-21T18:42:00.000-08:00

What with the casting news surrounding the movie version of F. Scott Fitzgerald's classic, The Great Gatsby, I started mentioning it in casual conversation. My hope was to have some lively banter about the novel, but instead was met every time with a blank stare. That's right, folks, I'm five for five. That's 100% of my pollers who have not read the book. What do high schools teach now? Did it just not get covered? "I don't know," everyone says, "I was busy being bad back then."

Drunk and carried away: 1, Nick Carraway: 0.

"April" Wins at Mockfest and Shockfest!

2010-11-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

And grunts happily home to chew on a greening finger.
Congrats, Spooky!

Ask for Math

2010-11-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

Last night at Shockfest Film Festival a pack of would-be Miss Shockfests lined up, all gussied in gear befitting a dominatrix who enjoys Barbie hair. "Do you like it R-rated?" the emcee asked the crowd. "How about single X? How about triple X?" He then told us to get set because they'd do anything we asked for. My friend Tim nudged me. "Math," he said. "Ask for math."

A Younger, Prettier

2010-11-10T23:25:00.000-08:00

Tonight in class the casting director proclaimed, "Oh, I know who you remind me of! A younger, prettier Drew Barrymore!" Which reminded me of another casting director who thinks of me as a younger, prettier Hilary Swank. Which is not to be confused with a co-worker who regards me as a younger, prettier Kristin Davis. Then there's most people, who think of me as a younger, prettier my mom. Maybe the person I most resemble after all is the one whose womb I came out of. But only maybe. It has yet to be confirmed or denied whether Fozzie Bear has ovaries. And believe me, in a lineup with him I look waaay younger.

Mary, Mock-and-Shockfest

2010-11-09T11:14:00.000-08:00

"April" screens at Shockfest Film Festival in Hollywood this Friday night! Here's an interview at AOF Film Festival in Pasadena earlier this year with director/writer/producer Mike Piccirillo that includes a clip of everyone's favorite government-appointed social worker, Mary Lennox.

Cottonpuff Worm Visits a Medspa

2010-11-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

My eyelids are drooping. Do you do Thermage? Check out those elevens. How about Botox? I may be hyperpigmenting due to sun damage. What can you offer me on Fraxel? And do you see that wrinkle by my nasolabial fold? Do you? It's terrifying, don't you think? Well, don't you?

Part of Fascination

2010-11-03T13:15:00.001-07:00

Ancient astrology includes calculations referred to now as "Arabic Parts," not because they are all Arabic in origin but because that's the part of the world that ended up collecting them for posterity. The Part of Karma, the Part of Marriage, the Part of Fortune; and my favorite, the Part of Fascination. Take the ascendant, add Venus, and subtract Uranus. Because there's nothing fascinating about Uranus. (Bah-dum-bum. I'll be here all night, folks...)

Beard the Lion In His Own Den

2010-11-02T14:31:00.000-07:00

When you confront the opposition on their turf, you're bearding the lion in his own den. Or in my case today, taking on the part of me that wants to hang onto my old clutter. Boxes of the stuff!

I have a new workplace friend who's adept at waxing, and like her I imagine taking big blue sticks and ripping away whatever mustache or soul patch was on the face of the me keeping too many papers.

And if I have to give my messy persona a Brazilian, I will give my messy persona a Brazilian.

London Calling

2010-10-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

Today I traveled through Heathrow airport.

Okay, so it was a college in Santa Clarita turned into the international hub for a popular ABC Family show. But as I emerged down a long staircase into the bustling crowd, flight info tickers turning, it felt real, like a premonition. Like my neighbor's freshly strung Christmas tree when it's barely Halloween; an early entrance, but with each passing day, more and more relevant.

With All the Things You Can Eat

2010-10-25T16:41:00.001-07:00

Congratulations! my recent allergy test results seemed to say. Look at all the things you can eat! But then I saw that nestled between scans for milk, gluten, and soy allergies was an unexpected word: COCKROACH. You know, I wasn't really all that concerned as to whether I had clearance to consume vermin, but apparently my system is at the ready if I so choose. Thanks, Quest Diagnostics, for keeping my options open.

Shoe, Pet, or Food?

2010-10-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

Maybe it goes with jeans.

Maybe it's a baby lamb.

Or perhaps it's by your side, waiting for a walk and a biscuit.

Calling All Talented Actors Without Discerning Taste

2010-10-17T10:19:00.001-07:00

The above is a small segment of an email I received this week regarding a workshop to meet a manager. I don't know about you, other able actors, but I am not looking to be a part of a barnyard. At least not professionally.

"April" in Mockfest and Shockfest!

2010-10-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

According to director Mike Piccirillo, "April" is the first film in the history of Mockfest and Shockfest to be chosen for both! That's what happens when you've got a ghouly-themed mockumentary that's awesome. The related festivals run November 12-14th, with "April" kicking off Shockfest on the Friday and wowing the pants off of Mockfest later that weekend. If festivals even wear pants. I hope this festival doesn't go commando, because that would be really awkward.

Yes to This, That, and the Other

2010-10-12T19:15:00.000-07:00

Archie Grand is on to something...don't fill your journal with soppy missives about almosts, catalogue what works. This is for me! That is what I'm after! Forget about the other! Our possessions, if weeded properly, do that job wordlessly every day. They are not who we are, but they remind us; a multi-surfaced mirror. Striped t-shirts, novelty ice cube tray collection? Here's looking at me, kid.

GOOD NEWS YOU HAVE WON!!!!

2010-10-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

Spam? Are you kidding? I am thrilled to have won the Irish lottery!! I hope it comes with a pot of gold, a rainbow, a leprechaun, and an actual-sized man.

I Went to Stanford

2010-09-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

Today I submitted myself for two acting roles:

1) A woman who is type A and terrified of farting, and then finally does;

2) A bride.

Thank you, Hollywood, for your limitless opportunities.